MAKING SENSE OF MY GRIEF: Locked out of my home

I was tired after facilitating an eight-hour Zoom webinar training. A dear friend brought me dinner. We sat down for some connection time. As she was leaving, she walked in front of me to the door and fiddled with the lock, thinking that it was closed. From behind I said: “No, the door is open.” I walked with her to the gate to say goodbye. When I got back to the front door, I discovered that the yale lock slipped into place and I was locked out of my own house, with my cell phone inside. Looking at my set of car keys, I realised that it did not have a key for the front door, because it is always open to allow the dogs freedom of movement.

My tenant returned home barely half an hour earlier after a long weekend away. I knocked on her door and explained my predicament. She brought her set of spare keys for my house. We found a key that fitted, but the lock refused to turn. For the next two and a half hours she googled numbers of locksmiths, made phone calls and asked a friend to assist in the search. I looked on patiently, sensing in my spirit that this is a very significant event. I was locked out of my only safe place, denied access to the friendship circle on my phone who could come to my rescue. I was cut off from the comforts of my house: a warm shower, an early night of rest in my warm bed. Which doors are locked that need to be unlocked for the new season I find myself in?

My Beloved, your death was like a door that slammed in my face. I advocated for your life. Access to you is now denied. I do not have any key that could unlock that door. Death is permanent and irreversible. My role has changed. I accompanied you as a soul friend for 37 years. That journey has now ended. As a caregiver I bargained for a success story. Your manner of death does not mean that either of us have failed. We are imperfect human beings. By God’s grace we are more than the sum total of our plusses and minuses. I was with you every step of the way. Except when I was not. It was not my job to keep you alive. Only you could choose life for yourself. Our success story is the salvation that Jesus bought with His life on the cross. The fact that no deed of a human can lock the door to heaven when you have accepted Jesus as your Saviour. That door did not slam in your face, my Beloved. I need to accept that we live behind different doors now. You live in your eternal life with God and I cannot access that realm yet.

I need to find the key to unlock my new door into the future that lies ahead of me. I need to give myself permission for a new season without your suffering. I need to accept that I am not your caretaker anymore. I did enough. I am enough for this new season. My daily prophetic word in my inbox the next day said: “God is opening new doors.”

There was a song by Mario Lanza that my father loved. The words say:
“I’ll walk with God, from this day on. His helping hand I’ll lean upon,
This is my prayer my humble plea. May the Lord be ever with me
There is no death though eyes grow dim
There is no fear when I’m near to him
I’ll lean on Him forever and He’ll forsake me never
He will not fail me as long as my faith is strong
Whatever road I may walk alone,
I’ll walk with God.”

Revelation 3:8 “I know your works. Behold, I have set before you an open door, which no one is able to shut. I know that you have but little power, and yet you have kept my word and have not denied My Name.”

My Father in heaven, You are my ultimate safe space even when I am locked out of my house. On the days when I have little power and little faith, I will lean upon Your helping hand. No door that You have open for me will shut in my face. I trust You for the keys to unlock the door to my new season with You.

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