I am on YouTube, looking for a song that will encourage me, a sermon that will inspire me or a teaching that will enlighten me. Nothing works. This voice is too high-pitched and it irritates me. That song is about praising God for a miracle that did not happen for me. This sermon could not hold my attention. That teaching does not ring true for my reality. How do I defy the gravity of mourning without denying it?
The one thing I fought for 35 years is the atmosphere of heaviness that is part and parcel of a journey with depression. A blanket of dark oppression that demands submission to give in and give up. Sometimes I would leave the house and keep on inhaling breaths of fresh air as I stepped out of the suffocating atmosphere. I am reading Job 17 and I see a reflection of the intensity of your struggle, my Beloved. Job 17:1,7,11,15 “My spirit is broken. My days are extinguished. The grave is ready for me. My eyes have also grown dim because of sorrow and all my members are like shadows. My days are past. My purposes are broken off. Where then is my hope? As for my hope, who can see it?” In religious literature this is referred to as “the dark night of the soul”. How many dark nights did you not endure, my Love. How brave you were to continue fighting for so many years.
Job answers himself in chapter 19:23-27 “Oh, that my words were written. Oh, that they were inscribed in a book. That they were engraved on a rock with an iron pen and lead, forever! For I know that my Redeemer lives. And He shall stand on the earth and after my skin is destroyed, this I know, that in my flesh I shall see God. Whom I shall see for myself and my eyes shall behold and not another. How my heart yearns within me.”
Teach me, my God, my Redeemer Who lives, how do I mourn without being pulled into the depths of despair? I do not want my purposes to be broken off. I declare that You are my Hope. I may be sad and heartbroken. That is appropriate. With You I can defy the gravity of despair. Would You fill me like a helium balloon that I can find a way to soar again?
Annete de la Porte