MAKING SENSE OF MY GRIEF: “HONEY, I’M HOME!”

I opened my Bible to Job 30:31 “My harp is turned to mourning, and my flute to the voice of those who weep.” You went home on the 30th of May. May, the fifth month of the year. Five, the number of grace. 

We moved to Cape Town four years ago. Our friend Collette bought us a new welcoming doormat for the front door. During lockdown I was newly acquainted with the joy of cleaning before and after myself. The doormat deserved a close inspection, which it received followed by an expiry date. It was worn through.

A doormat is not just a functional item for me. It is a statement. A symbol. A declaration.  Nothing caught my eye to be a worthy replacement. Today I went to a specific store in search of candle sticks so that the children and I could light candles for Andre. There were only pink candles in pink tins. How unbecoming. I asked about doormats, aching for a new declaration about the entrance to our house that is now occupied by one human and a host of ministering angels.

There it was. A beacon of colour displaying the right message: Home. In our journey with depression, I used to ‘fetch’ you. “Earth to Andre, where are you?” I would ask. Reaching out for connection. I stopped calling out to you when I got home. Your body was there, but you were lost in translation, wrestling with the dark night of your soul. When I got home today, I threw the used doormat in the bin and swept the dust of death away. I placed the new beacon in front of the door and Blackie, our cat, was the first one walking over it, welcoming me home. I am anchored. I am home, here on earth. I sent you a heart-email that said:  “Honey, you are now home too.” Isaiah 35:10 “And the ransomed of the Lord shall return, and come to Zion with singing, with everlasting joy on their heads. They shall obtain joy and gladness, and sorrow and sighing shall flee away.”

I have loved you well; and I will grieve you well as I encourage others who journey with depression and the threat of self-death. I will hold onto Him. I am home and you are now in your eternal home in heaven. Death has lost its sting. Our victory is in our salvation in Jesus Christ our Lord.

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